Here I am, less than 10 days from my thirtieth birthday. I am happy to say I am at the acceptance stage within the stages of grief and I have come to terms with this birthday. It isn’t even the birthday that I had the issue with. It was and is the fact that I had a vision of where I would be when I turned three decades old and I haven’t made it to that vision, and if anything, I have veered off the path. This was my first mistake, having expectations, because life is full of curve balls, some good and some bad. Try as I might I couldn't stop myself from making that error. In the words of Kendrick Lamar, “Alls my life I has to fight, Alls my life I has, Hard times like.”
People
kept telling me to get over it and stop dramatizing this but I take
offense to that because it makes me feel as though my emotions and my
own personal journey is not validated. Everyone's life is different with
its own ups and downs and in betweens. Try not to be judgmental when
someone shares what they are going through.
I wanted to look super fabulous to ring in this birthday but external stressors (related to my expectations) have reeked havoc on my face in the form of severe breakouts. I am not as in shape as I need to be for the Kilimanjaro hike and just not into the holiday season this year. I am taking a break from training until Jan. 2016. All of which is perfectly okay. I love how rounded I am now in my chest and thighs and I even love everyone of my new acne scars on my face. This body, though fifteen pounds heavier, is solidly strong.
So the last day of training for two weeks also includes volunteering. My one goal is to make sure my holiday time is quality time with loved ones, as the hustle bustle of life often makes time together feel fleeting. I am where I am and this is perfectly okay. What you see is what you get. That doesn't mean that I want to run in the streets and scream, “I’m 30!” or “Let’s Party.” Instead I am working on my resolutions: Be mindful and stop worrying about how my student debt is ruining my financial life.
I am loving myself, nearly thirty, flaws and all. And to putting my big girl panties on, standing tall with my shoulders back looking life straight in the eye.
